# What sets top negotiators apart?  ## Episode metadata - Episode title: What sets top negotiators apart? - Show: Nudge - Owner / Host: Phill Agnew - Episode publish date: 2025-01-24 - Episode AI description: Discover what sets expert negotiators apart from the rest. Hear about essential preparation techniques and the detrimental effects of immediate counterproposals. Explore how long-term thinking enhances negotiation success. Learn specific behaviors that build trust and promote collaboration. Gain practical tips that can elevate your negotiation skills to the next level. - Mentioned books: [The Behavior of Successful Negotiators](https://share.snipd.com/book/8281ab42-1a7c-4749-8fa3-b48119add23b) by [Neil Rackham](https://share.snipd.com/person/bcd0b5c6-4a25-4727-b485-8a3b07978e40), [Smart Management](https://share.snipd.com/book/be8473b9-6747-4824-af58-f8d52d6a6652) by [Jochen Reb](https://share.snipd.com/person/74bc0f3a-0644-4214-959e-594c91a1edd0), [Shenghua Luan](https://share.snipd.com/person/848927e4-cc1e-4905-b023-8a2842ef5257), [Gerd Gigerenzer](https://share.snipd.com/person/f58b53aa-ef27-4051-8828-fa41ed46b17a) - Duration: 17:06 - Episode URL: [Open in Snipd](https://share.snipd.com/episode/5553b41e-b548-4393-8262-f7f5ee780fca) - Show URL: [Open in Snipd](https://share.snipd.com/show/368e312d-6ad3-475a-91a9-12d5e97283fb) - Export date: 2026-02-11T20:06:35 ## Snips ### [Preparation is Key](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1bf65f05-d484-429b-8d95-2fb9ff7a4bb5) 🎧 03:48 - 05:44 (01:56) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/2ec0990f-e436-49b2-85b9-ed64946fe22a" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Invest significant time in planning and analyzing negotiations. - Consider twice as many potential outcomes and options as average negotiators. #### 💬 Quote > Skilled negotiators invested significantly more time into planning and analysing the upcoming negotiation compared to the average negotiators. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on the importance of preparation in negotiations. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** So the first is in the preparation stage. Skilled negotiators invested significantly more time into planning and analysing the upcoming negotiation compared to the average negotiators. So skilled negotiators, for example considered twice as many potential outcomes and options before when they were planning so they were thinking of loads more different outcomes and options. On average they thought of 5.1 compared to average negotiators who only thought of 2.6. Skilled negotiators spent three times more anticipating areas of agreement so thinking about where they might agree with their partners. And skilled negotiators also focused far more, twice as often, on long-term issues. So when they were planning, they were thinking of the long-term implications of their negotiation. Rackman states that preparation is the silent groundwork of negotiation success, where foresight and strategy eliminate missteps before they happen. So this increased planning gives these skilled negotiators extra flexibility in negotiation. It allows them more pathways to agreement. By having multiple options available, it allows the negotiator to pivot quickly if some of the initial proposals are rejected. This helps remove deadlocks, which is one of the problems that average negotiators face all the time. It uncovers win-win solutions so areas where the negotiator and the person they're negotiating with can both gain from this negotiation rather than an average negotiator who might only go in with one goal in mind which isn't a win-win solution. It helps adapt to the other party's need which is something we'll get onto as being really important. It reduces the uncertainty and makes the skilled negotiator feel more confident and it helps them prioritise too. All of this increases the potential value of the deal. By having multiple different options, you can flexibly find something that works, you can cooperate properly with your partner. This will increase trust and perceived goodwill as well. --- ### [Avoid Irritators](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cfa14024-18e0-4076-a82c-b3e6be305615) 🎧 06:53 - 07:54 (01:01) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/f2e12477-756c-498e-ba6e-175a83ec0c83" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Irritating language like "fair," "reasonable," or "generous offer" can provoke negative reactions. - Skilled negotiators use these terms far less often than average negotiators. #### 💬 Quote > Skilled negotiators recognise that these words often provoke negative reactions as they imply that the counterpart is being unfair or unreasonable. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew explaining why skilled negotiators avoid "irritators". #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Now, one of the things they did differently, one of the behaviours they avoided, was using irritating language. So, Rachman defines irritators as self-referential words like fair, reasonable or generous offer. Words that used to describe one's own proposals. So if I'm saying I should have a 10 grand pay rise, saying I think that's really reasonable is a bit of an irritator. It implies that what I'm asking for is not a big deal and that the person I'm negotiating with should just give in. Skilled negotiators recognise that these words often provoke negative reactions as they imply that the counterpart is being unfair or unreasonable. And there's a big difference. Skilled negotiators only use irritators 2.3 times per negotiation on average, while an average negotiator will use 5 times more, 10.8 irritators on average. So a really practical tip here is just focus on neutral objective language when discussing proposals. Don't add these irritators like, oh, this is fair. I think I'm being reasonable. I think this is a really generous offer. --- ### [Minimize Immediate Counter-Proposals](https://share.snipd.com/snip/953e9a77-8e32-47a3-b3e2-2a917ab0d83d) 🎧 07:54 - 08:53 (00:58) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/56c562f6-1b3d-4bd7-a59c-3b234073fca5" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Minimize immediate counter-proposals, as they can be seen as dismissive. - Acknowledge the other party's proposal before presenting an alternative. #### 💬 Quote > So for example if someone offers to buy something off you for 10 and you immediately counterpropos and say no it's 20 pounds or no it's 15 pounds, this can sometimes backfire. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew giving examples of immediate counter-proposals that can hinder a negotiation. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Don't say that. The second thing that these skilled negotiators did during the negotiation was they minimized immediate counter proposals. So immediate counter proposals are these direct responses to offers which are done immediately and it feels like they don't really consider or discuss the original proposal. So for example if someone offers to buy something off you for 10 and you immediately counterpropos and say no it's 20 pounds or no it's 15 pounds, this can sometimes backfire. It's seen as blocking, it's seen as dismissive, it can alienate the other party as it prevents this open discussion and it makes them feel like they're not being heard. Rackman found that skilled negotiators only made 1.7 immediate counter-proposals during their negotiations on average compared to 3.1 made by the average negotiator. So they're using nearly half as many immediate counter-proposals. The tip here is to really acknowledge the other party's proposal before you immediately present an alternative. That's what skilled negotiators do. --- ### [Stay Calm and Focused](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b77b883d-de5b-4146-8f09-b2362b9d67fd) 🎧 08:53 - 09:35 (00:42) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/719302c1-f353-47f3-baf8-c7e6569834e4" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Reduce verbal attacks and defensiveness, as they escalate conflict. - Skilled negotiators prioritize staying calm and focused. #### 💬 Quote > Despite what the movies might tell us, staying calm and focused during a negotiation is far better than attacking or defending. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew advising listeners to avoid verbal attacks in negotiations. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** The third thing they do is they reduce the amount of verbal attacks they use and the amount of verbal defences. One party escalates by criticising or justifying their position aggressively. This often leads to spiralling conflict. One party defends, the other party perceives it as an attack and the enemy escalates tension further. Skilled negotiators engaged in around 1.9 verbal attacks or defences on average during a negotiation, while average negotiators engaged in 6.3. So nearly three times more. The finding here, it's not a surprise to hear that verbal attacks and defensives don't work, but it is interesting to note that skilled negotiators definitely don't use them. --- ### [Avoid Negative Behavior Labeling](https://share.snipd.com/snip/10f106a3-d3cf-4526-a793-4ab0245b5947) 🎧 09:35 - 10:36 (01:01) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/4aef9c3e-b63f-4fca-b387-b46a410aa9d7" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Avoid negative behavior labeling, such as calling out counterparts' actions during disagreements. - This can amplify disagreements and make the other party defensive. #### 💬 Quote > So saying you're being unreasonable, labelling their behaviour as wrong can amplify disagreements and it can put the counterpart on the defensive. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on why one should refrain from negative behaviour labelling. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Despite what the movies might tell us, staying calm and focused during a negotiation is far better than attacking or defending. Now the final thing they did differently was limiting behaviour labelling in disagreements. So behaviour labelling involves explicitly calling out a counterpart's actions during areas of disagreement. So saying you're being unreasonable, labelling their behaviour as wrong can amplify disagreements and it can put the counterpart on the defensive. Skilled negotiators basically never do this. They barely ever behavior label. In Rackman's study, he only noticed it 0.4 times on average per negotiation, whereas average negotiators are three times more likely to do negative behavioral labeling. So avoid labeling your counterpart's behaviors as negative. Avoid saying that pay rise you're offering me, it's ridiculous, or you're being really unreasonable or being really unfair. You haven't really considered me, my point of view, or that sort of behavior labeling just isn't going to help you in these negotiations. --- ### [Use Positive Behavior Labeling](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d7310499-ded8-4597-bd38-10aeac671c14) 🎧 10:36 - 11:21 (00:44) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/93ef807e-834d-4eb2-84c0-ad24093c8b0c" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Use positive behavior labeling to encourage openness and collaboration. - Acknowledge positive actions like fairness and thoroughness. #### 💬 Quote > So saying, i think that's a really fair offer or i think you've really thought about this thoroughly labeling behavior positively [...] frames contributions as collaborative rather than confrontational > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew explaining the benefits of positive behavior labeling. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Now, there is a flip side to this, and this is something skilled negotiators do, which is to label behavior outside of agreements that they agree with. That can be a really powerful thing to do during a negotiation. So saying, i think that's a really fair offer or i think you've really thought about this thoroughly labeling behavior positively that encourages openness and dialogue and it frames contributions as collaborative rather than confrontational skilled negotiators love to do positive behavioral labeling They do it 6.4 times on average per negotiation compared to 1.2 times on average for the average negotiator. So skilled negotiators use this five times more. So if there is a positive behaviour that your counterpart is showing, label that. Say that they're being really fair. Say that they're being reasonable. --- ### [Share Internal States in Negotiation](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b735ee0b-1606-45c2-961c-3cb0b26e2e8b) 🎧 11:11 - 11:46 (00:35) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/16a1006c-d7dd-4a53-8cd3-4ce9dcab32b9" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - In negotiations, share your feelings, doubts, and motives with the other party. - This reduces uncertainty about your position and builds trust, fostering transparency and collaboration. - Skilled negotiators share their internal state significantly more often than average negotiators. - For example, say "I'm unsure about this aspect" or "Here's why this point matters to me." - Sharing internal states helps increase transparency and collaboration. #### 💬 Quote > They share their interstates. They make their feelings, their doubts or their motives, they make that visible to the other party. They don't hold their cards close to their chest. This reduces uncertainty about their position and it builds trust. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on what skilled negotiators do. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** So skilled negotiators use this five times more. So if there is a positive behaviour that your counterpart is showing, label that. Say that they're being really fair. Say that they're really reasonable. Another thing that skilled negotiators do is they share their interstates. They make their feelings, their doubts or their motives, they make that visible to the other party. They don't hold their cards close to their chest. This reduces uncertainty about their position and it builds trust. Skilled negotiators share their internal state 12.1 times per negotiations on average, while average negotiators only do this 7.8 times. --- ### [Share Your Internal State](https://share.snipd.com/snip/58a4df5a-61fc-49de-9503-4c3000de5eb5) 🎧 11:21 - 11:57 (00:36) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/9964ca66-fdfb-4367-bcdd-490db8b8fc1f" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Share your internal state, including feelings, doubts, and motives. - This builds trust and reduces uncertainty. #### 💬 Quote > They make their feelings, their doubts or their motives, they make that visible to the other party. They don't hold their cards close to their chest. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on the importance of transparency in negotiations. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Another thing that skilled negotiators do is they share their interstates. They make their feelings, their doubts or their motives, they make that visible to the other party. They don't hold their cards close to their chest. This reduces uncertainty about their position and it builds trust. Skilled negotiators share their internal state 12.1 times per negotiations on average, while average negotiators only do this 7.8 times. So skilled negotiators share how they're feeling 50% more often. They might say something like, I'm unsure about this aspect of the pitch, or here's why this point really matters to me. --- ### [Ask Open-Ended Questions](https://share.snipd.com/snip/ffdfd92c-c621-493a-ad66-8a3b6e15070c) 🎧 11:57 - 12:36 (00:39) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/8f16a3ce-7eda-4f0a-bee2-b4dc510c5e34" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Ask open-ended questions to gather information about the other party's perspective. - Understanding their goals reduces uncertainty and shows you care. #### 💬 Quote > Ask what's the most important thing to you in this deal. That will help improve the deal because it will reduce the uncertainty and it will also show that you really care about your counterpart's point of view. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on how questions improve negotiations. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Sharing their internal state really helps increase that transparency and collaboration as well. Another thing skilled negotiators do is they ask a lot of questions. They're constantly probing to gather information about the party's interests, goals and perspectives. On average skilled negotiators ask 21.3 questions per negotiation compared to just 9.6 by the average negotiators. So they're asking twice as many questions. So a practical tip here is just to start asking open-ended questions in your negotiation. Ask what's the most important thing to you in this deal. That will help improve the deal because it will reduce the uncertainty and it will also show that you really care about your counterpart's point of view. --- ### [Behaviors of Skilled Negotiators](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7ed2298e-ee01-4000-b9c5-f90af375bfe2) 🎧 12:02 - 13:54 (01:51) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/88b3956c-268a-40b2-8cc7-b3374e7437b0" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Ask open-ended questions to gather information about the other party's interests and goals. - Share your internal state (feelings, doubts, motives) to build trust and reduce uncertainty. - Positively label your counterpart's behavior to encourage openness and collaboration. - Test your understanding by paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions to ensure alignment and avoid misunderstandings. #### 💬 Quote > Skilled negotiators [...] ask a lot of questions. They're constantly probing to gather information about [the other] party's interests, goals and perspectives. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew on how skilled negotiators gather information. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Another thing skilled negotiators do is they ask a lot of questions. They're constantly probing to gather information about the party's interests, goals and perspectives. On average skilled negotiators ask 21.3 questions per negotiation compared to just 9.6 by the average negotiators. So they're asking twice as many questions. So a practical tip here is just to start asking open-ended questions in your negotiation. Ask what's the most important thing to you in this deal. That will help improve the deal because it will reduce the uncertainty and it will also show that you really care about your counterpart's point of view. Another thing skilled negotiators do, and I think this is the last thing on the list, is they test understanding. They verify their own interpretation of the other party's statements by paraphrasing or asking clarifying questions. So they might say, sorry, can I just check, do I understand you correctly? Is this your point of view? And then actually repeat the point of view. This ensures alignment. It helps avoid misunderstandings and it signals this attentiveness and respect as well. Skilled negotiators do this, they test their understanding 9.7 times per negotiation whereas average negotiators only do this 4.1 times so they're twice as likely to do this. Regularly checking in with phrases like is this what you're looking for that helps maintain clarity and it helps improve the deal. So let's sum up. Skilled negotiators consider two times as many outcomes in the planning. They spent 300% more time on agreement areas, thinking about agreement areas, and they spent two times as long considering the long-term considerations of their proposals. They didn't behaviour label negative actions, but they were five times more likely to behaviour label positive actions. Like, oh, I think you're being really reasonable. They were five times as likely to do that. They shared their internal state 50% more often. They asked twice as many questions and they tested their understanding which is can I just check did you mean this? --- ### [Test Your Understanding](https://share.snipd.com/snip/4c070cda-26d7-46eb-a34b-ddf687c2e26a) 🎧 12:36 - 13:13 (00:36) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/84f77753-66d8-4535-b75b-1589b1908e5f" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Test your understanding by paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions. - This ensures alignment and shows attentiveness. #### 💬 Quote > So they might say, sorry, can I just check, do I understand you correctly? Is this your point of view? And then actually repeat the point of view. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew giving examples for testing understanding. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Another thing skilled negotiators do, and I think this is the last thing on the list, is they test understanding. They verify their own interpretation of the other party's statements by paraphrasing or asking clarifying questions. So they might say, sorry, can I just check, do I understand you correctly? Is this your point of view? And then actually repeat the point of view. This ensures alignment. It helps avoid misunderstandings and it signals this attentiveness and respect as well. Skilled negotiators do this, they test their understanding 9.7 times per negotiation whereas average negotiators only do this 4.1 times so they're twice as likely to do this. --- ### [Negotiation is About Collaboration](https://share.snipd.com/snip/699b02f9-3f3c-4be4-a6b9-aa994ccdf809) 🎧 13:13 - 15:25 (02:12) <iframe src="https://share.snipd.com/embed/obsidian-player/snip/4967d776-133c-4c0c-a389-23ff65a338b5" width="100%" height="100" style="border: none; border-radius: 12px;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-forms allow-popups allow-clipboard-write" ></iframe> - Effective negotiation involves deliberate preparation, thoughtful communication, and long-term focus. - It's not about clever tactics or anger, but trust and collaboration. #### 💬 Quote > The key takeaway is that success isn't about clever tactics at the table. [...] It's about deliberate preparation, thoughtful communication and a focus on trust and long-term collaboration. > — Phil Agnew Phil Agnew summarizing the key takeaways from Neil Rackham's research. #### 📚 Transcript **Phill Agnew:** Regularly checking in with phrases like is this what you're looking for that helps maintain clarity and it helps improve the deal. So let's sum up. Skilled negotiators consider two times as many outcomes in the planning. They spent 300% more time on agreement areas, thinking about agreement areas, and they spent two times as long considering the long-term considerations of their proposals. They didn't behaviour label negative actions, but they were five times more likely to behaviour label positive actions. Like, oh, I think you're being really reasonable. They were five times as likely to do that. They shared their internal state 50% more often. They asked twice as many questions and they tested their understanding which is can I just check did you mean this? They did that twice as often. Neil Rackman's research provides what I think is a roadmap for mastering negotiations in any context whether we're resolving workplace conflicts, striking business deals or fostering stronger relationships. The key takeaway is that success isn't about clever tactics at the table. It isn't about strategic umbrage, getting angry or really rinsing the person to get your deal. It's about deliberate preparation, thoughtful communication and a focus on trust and long-term collaboration. I think the takeaways that I've taken from this fantastic study is to spend more time before a negotiation, expanding the amount of options you can bring to the table, thinking long-term, anticipating what areas we can agree on with my counterpart. And then during the negotiation, what I'm trying to remember is to make my intentions clear, to label the behaviour that I like from my counterpart and not the stuff that I dislike, to share my internal state, to ask more questions and to always double check my understanding. Just verify what I've heard to make sure that I haven't heard anything wrong. It is easy to fall for the simple tricks and hacks that we hear about negotiation but the evidence suggests from this fantastic study that effective negotiation isn't a simple trick or a hack it's much harder you won't win a negotiation simply for a bit of anchoring just offering a high price and then working down the genuine evidence suggests that there's much more you need to do you need to do more planning you need to show more care during the negotiation and you need to have more long-term thinking and just trust and respect in your counterpart as well. --- Created with [Snipd](https://www.snipd.com) | Highlight & Take Notes from Podcasts